Genus Americanus

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Genus Americanus classification

When you come across a specimen of Genus Americanus it is important to know which of the subgroups you are dealing with. With this field guide, you can better get up close and study your specimens and produce better research.

Genus Americanus Democratus - While not really understanding why, this subgroup has noticed that the system is not fair and that the government really needs to do something about this to fulfill the promise of America. Affiliation with this subgroup is inversely proportional to the proximity to this injustice. While it feels bad about things, it is not really willing to do what it would take to achieve this. This results in a feeling of helplessness towards large problems which is alleviated by ignoring them. This subgroup is characterized by being very docile. It can be recognized by its casual dress and sympathy toward others.

Genus Americanus Corporatus - This subgroup is dedicated to the acquisition of power. It has an evolutionary adaptation, namely the lack of a soul, that allows it to ignore the normal barriers of conscience that usually impede progress in this area. Characterized by being neatly and professionally dressed and having no soul. While being no immediate physical danger to the researcher, will sign your death warrant if it sees advantage. Can easily be recognized by the blatant lies they tell and the ease with which they do this.

Genus Americanus Religiously Insane - This subgroup has lost all grip on reality. Some researchers theorize that difficulty in dealing with reality has caused this group's logic center to shut down. Others propose that a disease of the brain emits endorphins when the subject repudiates logic. Known to congregate in the southern areas of the country, it is characterized by a professing of peacefulness punctuated by total support for large scale destruction. Can easily by recognized by the immediate and intense reaction if you say the keyword "Jesus".

Genus Americanus White Trash - A very dangerous and unpredictable subgroup that should be approached with caution. Characterized by a feeling of superiority combined with complete failure in life. This contradiction causes turmoil which precipitates destructive behaviour and a love of things that make loud noises. Easily recognized by the pickup truck with repugnant and creepy decoration (bumper stickers that say "Guns don't kill people, I do", a Dixie battle flag, etc. ) and the many firearms that the specimen will never be far from. Its limited brainpower makes it easily manipulated by the more sophisticated subgroups.

Genus Americanus Republican - Similar to Genus Americanus Religiously Insane, except that it worships the country itself as a diety. Easily identifiable by the SUV it drives with a "Support the Troops" magnet on the back, and a complete oblivion to the irony of it. As it regards the nation as a diety, it will not tolerate criticism of the government and can become dangerously agitated if you do so. Try to make your criticisms indirect, such as a snyde comment or humourous blog. While this subgroup does have an admirable idealistic bent, its deference to the perfection of the nation diety prevents it from ever acting on this to make change as any failings of the system must be the result of evil forces working against the altruism of the nation diety. Can be dealt with safely as long as you don't try to speak of nuanced political arguments.

Good luck in the field young anthropologists!

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